Late, but not never

Dear readers,

I am honestly sorry i didn't post for a few days and didn't even wish you a Merry Christmas.
To be honest, i am not a Christmas person at all, so i haven't been busy doing Christmas things.
However, i've had a wonderful first Christmas Day at my parent's, we had a lovely diner and of course my gorgeous nephew Isai was there to cuddle all evening.

So, i know it's horribly late, but: ~MERRY CHRISTMAS~ to you all, dear readers!

Today, i will spend my day alone i guess.
It's not sad, i think it's a good thing.

I have some things to think about and maybe even some things to think about and find peace in. And after all, what's more important than find peace in yourself? If you reach that, you can only think about all the other peaceful things you can do for others.


Also, i was tagged by the sweet Penpusher, to do the Honesty Scrap Award. That means i have to write about ten honest things about myself...
She also gave me the Honesty Scrap Award, which i am very grateful for!

1. I am a fearful person. As much as i hate that, i am now at the point where i know acceptance is the only thing left to do. I try not to fight against it anymore, because it only makes things worse. However, the battle between me and my fears is not over yet. I won't give up. Never.

2. The phase i am going through at the moment is one of partying. Partying a little too much. Although i know it would be better for me to party less and stay home more and go to bed early, i just can't get myself to that point.


3. I've always been a very, very honest person and i still am.
However, lately i sometimes lie and i feel horrible about that.
I know i will go back to the time i never lied. The only question is: when?


4. Once i felt very powerful, i felt like i could handle the whole world. Unfortunately i highly doubt that at this phase in my life.

5. I really don't know what i want with my life. There are so many things i want to do, but there are also so many things i don't want to do and sometimes it seems like i am doomed to do things i don't like and i am afraid this has something to do with that feeling of power...


6. The reason i don't like Christmas is because of it's forced sociability. When i am not in the mood for socializing and spending my time around other people, i simply have to because it's Christmas. To me, it just doesn't make any sense. I also think almost all Christmas trees are horribly ugly and Christmas colours like red and dark green are my least favourite colours.

7. I can't stand my own insecurity.

8. I met someone special, who i really like. Of course, this makes me insecure (which is quite normal, i guess) but i always think this makes me a less interesting girl.


9. I can't stop smoking, because i don't want to. I still love smoking. Not because it looks interesting, but because i just like it. Simple as that.

10. I've been very, very honest this whole list.

Now i have to tag 7 people to this same thing and i want to give the award to.
I am having some difficulties choosing only 7 people, because they have to be bloggers whom i think are very honest in what they write on their blogs.
Since i am blogging for more than a year now, i have 'met' some amazing bloggers whom are all amazing and very honest in my opinion.
So if i haven't chose you, it doesn't mean i am not impressed by your blog and your honesty.

I choose: Angela from Rags and Scrabbles, Hannah-Zoe from Butterflykisses, Alice from Fifikoussout, the beautiful girl from How To Deal With Heartache, Heather from It ain't me babe, Sarah from Stardust Sparkle and Laura from Translating the Bird.

(Pictures without credit, come from Weheartit.com)


notebookdoodles said...

what a great post mila! i love the honesty =)


anywheredreams said...

Such a great post! I love it! And the pictures are lovely as always. Very honest. I think, after reading this, I know you a bit better. And you are a truly wonderful person. I feel I can relate to a lot of those things you talk about and I wish you would find yourself and the peace you are looking for. I'm also looking for it. Might find it if I keep on looking ^^

cutandpaste said...

i agree. christmas trees are typically gross. i just kinda wish people could make christmas a little less traditional and venture out to new types of christmas treees and colors for christmas. heres a cool link to some alternative uses for christmas decorations:

jEeRo said...

go easy on yourself Mila..im in the same situation now esp on the part met some-one special..so i know what/how it is liked feelin the way u do..im too learnin to let go abit..learnin to go easy on myself..its hard work for some-one like me..but i have to do it..for myself..for him..
it takes courage 2b honest n dun ever forget..
u r an amazing person!
do not let yourself bring u donw! u hear!?
repeat after me
i am an amzing person!!

beverley said...

A few of those totally sound like me. Sometimes I am too scared to do what I really want to do, but only because it might make someone I love angry with me. I don't really care what others think, yet at the same time if my family doesn't like what i'm doing, I just HAVE to stop. Not because they force me, but because it's just the way I feel.

StickyKitten said...

wow~i really liked reading this post! it was so interesting. i don't think being insecure could make you uninteresting by the way--never. being honest is the most interesting thing of all.

thanks for your comment about my artwork! i really appreciate it=)
i do want to post more of it! thanks for the inspiration. i really love the pictures on your blog/the words/the poetry and the heart you put into each post.
merry christmas anyway, dear...or how about happy NEW year?♥

M said...

wow.. i really like your blog.. so original and cute!

Daydream Lily said...

I'm not much of a christmas person either. And I totally know what you mean about forced sociability, its like you have a duty to see your family and friends and be all nice. This year I thought to myself "no, why do I have to...will people love me less if I dont go?" And I still haven't gone home for christmas this year.

Daydream Lily said...

ps. I'm in the best relationship of my life the past 3 months...and I've never been more scared in my life!! scared of it not lasting, scared that he will met someone better...so yer I know exactly how you feel with the insecurities...Its so hard to fight it

Anonymous said...

Dear Mila, thanks for your honesty. This post really touched me because I sometimes have some of these thoughts that you're writing about.
I hope you manage to find peace in yourself. You seem to be a lovely and intelligent person and I wish you all the best in the new year, darling! xxx

AshleyL. said...

Your posts are so real and beautiful. It makes me feel like I know you. That and I see a little bit of what you have posted in me. I think we all have insecurities. I don't know you (aside from posts like this) but trust me when I say you have a knack for seeing and telling beautiful things. Run with that and you will find yourself inspired to be a person you are satisfied with, just stay true to yourself. Do things for yourself and not for the sake of being socially accepted. Find who you are and LIVE that person naturally. Though I hope to not come across settled in my own ways, this is all much easier said than done. I hope you are well and that you are enjoying what is left in this holiday season.


luizazz said...

I loved the post!

young-shields said...

I can certainly relate to some of your points, it was really well put and interesting to read.

y-s x

leeselooks said...


what a beautiful honest soul.

thinking of you this holiday season!

be happy + healthy!!!

all my best + loves.


Anonymous said...

mila, thank you for this incredible, brave post. i agree with what some others have said: don't be so hard on yourself. remember, you're young. you're still figuring it out. it's ok to go through periods where you don't feel powerful or don't always tell the truth. it's ok. they will go by, like you know they will, and when they do you will be stronger and more powerful than before. i promise. and you could never be uninteresting <3

Ashley Rose said...

I completely agree about the Christmas socializing. Ugh its lame when its so forced :(
I love your honesty :) its beautiful!

tigermilk said...

i quit smoking. for the 8th time. i think itll stick this time though.. :p

HollyG said...

Thank you for this. We all have our struggles, and being honest about them is difficult. It's a cliche, but I think your intuition will guide you.
My problem? I think I've forgotten how to feel. Either that or I've become numb. Grrr.

Love love

Lana said...

mooi geschreven mila!
en jij ook (alsnog) een fijne kerst en een gelukkig 2009!

Raver Ria said...

Mila, a beautiful and honest post. It's a personal list you have shared, thank you for sharing it with us.


Hannah said...

Beautiful pictures as always. Hope you had a lovely christmas.

Outi said...

I hope you (and your soul) have survived Christmas holidays... I myself have been having very mixed feelings about being home this year. One part of me wants to cherish this all, another feels ultimately detached and not belonging...

Right now, though, I am feeling empty. I wanted to say hi but don't know what to say, really...

But I will say about that photo of Louis Garrel, that he has been on my mind, and eyes, lately, too. He has a strange beauty about him, I feel... One that you see, and it is supposed to be obvious, but still it is not, but rather opens up slowly. To me anyway...

Hugs, with love in these lines,


Unknown said...

this is a good post :)

j. said...

I love this post! I love reading about the people behind the bag and I just love your honesty.

and that is why.. Im giving you an award. Yep. yep.



bronte & belle said...

i read your blog all the time and i've never commented but with this post i had a great urge to. i can relate to a lot of the things you wrote about here, except i don't want to admit them to myself because i don't want them to be true. a few of my favorite quotes came to mind when i was reading through. i thought you might appreciate them.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates us.

It’s hard to think about growing up when you’re right in the middle of doing it. It’s hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head, it’s difficult to know which of them is yours.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once and it hurts more every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it feels. You’ll blame a new love for what old one’s did. You’ll cry because time is passing by too fast. You’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh way too much and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is one minute of happiness that you will never get back.

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. ‘Cause sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

my blog isn't much, because i really don't even know where to start with it. i feel i have too many thoughts and ideas to condense them down. but hopefully one day soon i'll just be able to jump in and inspire people with my life & honesty the way you do.

<3 nicki lee

makemoremistakes said...

Hi beautiful girl. I love you. You are so wonderful, despite your insecurities, despite your fears, and despite your dislike of christmas. I know how you feel, about all of these things you listed, because I go through all of them too- feeling afraid, feeling insecure, liking someone and feeling less interesting than I know I am...I feel it all too. Thank you so much for the tag- when I saw that you tagged me it made me so so happy!
I hope that even though christmas is not your favorite you have a special and wonderful wintertime and holiday time.
I love you so much darling!!


essa stessa said...

hello Mila,

I want to thank you for your beautifull blog, it' s a happiness to read and see it every day .
you are a " charming gardener who make our souls blossom ."

so... thank you !


love and agression said...

hey mila! probably like everyone else already said.. i love your honesty. like you wrote you are the most honest person there is.. i find it very hard to be honest. im not a liar but hardly tell my real feelings. i wish i could be more like you..
i hope you had a great christmas. and as you said it is not about the presents, even though i am ridiculousy spoiled this christmas, it is about family.
and i wish you all the best for 2009!
love, suzanne

Linnéa said...

merry christmas ;D Love all the photos you have used <3

Missa said...

Mila, your honesty is both brutal and beautiful and I admire you for it. You have a way about you that touches and inspires others, it's a gift, I'm so sorry that it also comes with struggles and heartache.

Wishing you all the strength and insight you need to find that peace within yourself that we all strive for. <3

P.S. Glad to hear you met someone special and got some cuddle time with Isai :)

Hila said...

Hi Mila, I don't celebrate Christmas at all being Jewish, so I sort of know how you feel because it doesn't mean anything to me, I didn't grow up with it and I sort of feel left-out here in Australia. It's always an odd sort of time of the year for me. But I find that I make my own sort of traditions to compensate.

This is a very honest post, so I've been very honest with you :)

HANNAH-ZOË said...

hey Mila thank you so much for the tag it is such a liberating one, to put honest things about your self on the internet (as strange as it may sound) feels amazingly good! your honest things are great i completely agree about christmas by the way!

Betsey said...

lovely list :)
i have to do this tag as well- i hope i can be as honest as you have been dear!
and i hope you had a very merry christmas as well!

Outi said...

Oh Mila, I wonder how you are doing this time...I hope your day has turned good, at least a little bit, and beauty has come to you.

I myself was stricken by a sharp bout of melancholy this evening.

I am so moody sometimes and don't understand myself. One moment I am strong and capable, next I only sense sadness, longing and fear.

I feel my moods dictate me, maybe too much, sometimes. They seem to take me as a hostage...

I am listening to melancholic music. (Nick Drake this time.) When I feel blue, oh so blue..., I cannot stand harsh music, I need something soft, something that fits my mood...

Sometimes my body scares me. I get so frightened, I feel like my body is not mine, or me, but an enemy I have to be afraid of. It can overwhelm me...

With the sounds of love, longing and distance playing in my mind,


Anonymous said...

very intriguing and interesting! love learning more about you.

Marian said...

darling belated merry xmas to you too Mila.hope your well darling.

Mina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Margaux said...

I just came by to say I love your blog (I've been reading it for a while) & that I added it to my links, if you don't mind ^^

Also, I really appreciate the honesty. It's so nice to learn more about the people we read everyday.


Love + Cake said...

That was such a beautiful post. Kudos for your honesty. You have a wonderful blog-I always enjoy reading it. The pictures you post are absolutely beautiful, as well. Keep it up!

Love, Mav

Ailin said...

its 'SO' great to learn about you more.
and i cant agree with you more on being peaceful with oneself. finding peace within yourself is definately very important because then you can be peaceful with everyone and everything else.

i hope you are well, have a great day.

{this is glamorous} said...

Hope you had a lovely Christmas, even if it's not your favourite time. Loved reading your completely honest list and passing along warmest wishes for the New Year . . .

the sixth image is originally from me :)

Outi said...

Dear Mila,

Why are you feeling so bad? Can you say where your pain is coming from, or is it a general fear of life?

I have been crying myself today too... This bad feeling started last night, I got frightened, and it was breaking me into little pieces.

I could hear the familiar symptoms in my body, something I have not felt in a while but recognized still -- I felt like something was pressing my chest, my breathing was on the surface, I could not hold back tears... My body was losing me.

When I know the symptoms, when I know how to call it -- a panic attack -- I can control it a bit more. The more I understand, the less I am afraid of how my body and mind react when I am afraid of things outside it.

Today, I fell down crying.I had people around me, and it both made all those feelings easier and more difficult to face. It can be very difficult for me to handle things I am afraid of when someone can see me.

But I pushed through. I cried. It is fear, it is anxiety, that pour out of me when I cry at those times...

Sometimes I feel like a child... Or like I need to be a child. I wish someone came and held me and let me cry. Didn't tell me to stop, to gather myself, didn't tell me I was being foolish, but let me face my feelings and faced them themselves too...

It feels good to write to you. Thank you for being such a lovely listener, thank you for having your heart open.


Love + Cake said...

Hi again, Mila!

Thanks for the comment on my blog! I was actually wondering- in the post you made on 12.20.2008, there is a photo of two people in a boat?

Do you know what location that is in?

xx. Mavvy

littlelaceridinghood said...

I love your blog Mila! It's very inspirational and it gets me thinking.

Sarah said...

Such a beautiful post. I'm inspired by your honesty, and I agree with many of these. You are a lovely person.

By the way, thanks for commenting on my blog. I wish you a wonderful New Year :)